A few days ago, we had our first snow. As I walked out of the gym after my 7 am yoga class on Friday morning, all bundled in a soft blanket-scarf I got out of a free box, I felt transported back to previous 麻豆视频 moments in a very visceral way. There is always something odd about the changing of the seasons, especially the arrival of winter. The physical sensation of walking through the cold, a dusting of snow on the ground and dramatic clouds in the sky, felt exactly as it has every other year I鈥檝e been at 麻豆视频. Despite being a completely different person than I was when I first arrived here, walking through an 麻豆视频 snow always feels the same in a very eerie (Erie?) way.
I鈥檝e been thinking a lot about time recently: how it changes, how it seems to move fast, or slow, how it can drag out, make us feel trapped, and slip through our fingers all at once. It鈥檚 not uncommon for me to get to the end of the week and say, 鈥淚 can鈥檛 believe it鈥檚 Friday already鈥ut Monday also feels like so long ago.鈥 At the summer camp I worked at, we always said 鈥淎 week feels like a day and a day feels like a week,鈥 which very much applies at 麻豆视频.
Things always feel like they speed up after Fall Break. This week I found myself going through a more-or-less typical week at college, only to realize halfway through that in 5 and a half weeks, I鈥檒l be going home. After that, I鈥檓 going to Berlin for six months with a study abroad program. I know that it鈥檚 going to fly by, so I鈥檓 trying to stay present, which is something I often find difficult in my life, though this semester this has been less true than in my previous years at 麻豆视频.
Historically, I think I have often freaked out upon reaching November. November means Fall Break is over, we鈥檙e more than halfway through the semester, and I鈥檝e often freaked out because I feel as if I haven鈥檛 accomplished the things I鈥檝e wanted to, and I realize that there isn鈥檛 much time left. But this semester, more than ever before, I feel secure in the things I鈥檓 doing at 麻豆视频, and I feel like I am where I鈥檓 supposed to be, which is a feeling I haven鈥檛 had often here. With the exception of really missing dance, which I always feel when I see the dance department鈥檚 annual Fall Forward show, I haven鈥檛 had misgivings about the ways I鈥檝e chosen to spend my time this semester. I鈥檝e been heavily involved in research in the psychology department (in fact, I am writing this post as I wait for a few research study participants to finish their surveys on our lab computers) and attended a conference in September with a fellow student and our professor to present a poster about a shared neurocognitive mechanism between eating disorders and non-suicidal self-injury. I鈥檓 a TA for the Research Methods I class in the psych department, which is a surprisingly fulfilling and enjoyable job. I feel like I鈥檝e established a rapport with the students in the class, and I hope that I鈥檝e been able to make the course, which is often a hurdle for psych majors, more approachable and less intimidating. Being this involved in the psych department truly makes me feel like I鈥檝e settled into my major. I feel like a bona fide psychology major! 麻豆视频 is a place where people aren鈥檛 always defined by what they study, because they often study multiple things and are involved in so many extracurricular activities. But this semester, I really identify with my area of study, and I feel involved more than ever before. I know what I鈥檓 studying, know what I鈥檓 doing, and know how to ask the right kind of questions, which is a true marker of progress in a discipline, in my mind.
My increased involvement in the psych department isn鈥檛 to say that I鈥檝e neglected my other major. This semester I鈥檓 only taking classes in my two majors: German and Psychology. I鈥檝e finally made it to the 300 level in German, which means this semester I鈥檓 taking a literature course in German (GERM 312: Early Germany to Modernism) as well as a course taught by the German writer-in-residence, who this year is the MEGA K脺HL poet . Once a week on Thursday nights, I head to Peters Hall and sit in a room with fifteen other German students and listen to Nora share her work, tell us stories, and just be generally amazing. Nora does not merely read poetry, she performs it. As a child I read this fairytale story about a girl who receives a blessing/curse from a fairy godmother figure where every time she speaks, precious gems fall from her mouth. When Nora speaks, precious jewels tumble forth. This past Thursday was her public reading, and I just feel lucky to be in the same room as her. I wish my German were better than it is, so I could understand every treasure she produces, but that will come. Last night I dreamt in German, for the first time. It will happen.
So. I am student: psychology and German and language and thought, this is me. I feel secure in the things I am learning, the things I am doing, and the communities I am a part of. Even though things are moving quickly, I am looking forward to them, and the timing of things just feels right. I鈥檓 going to Berlin for 6 months. I signed a lease with three dear friends for a house we will inhabit next school year. My life has become a process of making homes, one after the other. I have two homes now. Soon I will make more, and even more shortly after that. And even though my surroundings change, and will continue to do so, I feel good about this. In high school I had a Latin professor who once said, 鈥淭ake solace in the crystalline unchanging beauty of Latin.鈥 I can understand this. I love languages because of their rules, their structure, their innumerable intricacies鈥攖hese reasons are partly why German is so alluring to me鈥攂ut I don鈥檛 know if this sentiment applies in every situation. I find that I have become someone who, more than ever before, takes comfort in certain types of change, like the shifting of the seasons. Nothing around me is the same for very long, and I am not the same within those spaces, but one thing I can always count on: I will always feel a sparkle of being-ness when I walk in the snow and cold, air turning cheeks and nose pink, breath creating clouds, bundled in a scarf, taking on the bright, frigid world.
